Monthly Archives: February 2012

In these days of intense competition, nothing is more stressful than dealing with difficult people–internal (the people you manage and who manage you) and external (the people who buy your goods and services.) You need a cohesive plan to guarantee customer satisfaction from your employees so that even the most difficult customer will be satisfied. These five steps will show you when to talk, when to listen, and how to be courteous under pressure.

Here are the 5 basic steps of dealing with difficult people:

1. Be clear on your purpose.

What do you want the person to do, think, or feel after your communication with them? To get really clear, write it down! In the “do” column, you may list: “pay, renew, expand the order, fill out the form correctly; tell friends to buy; give us repeat business; not call my boss; never again call to complain.”

In the “think” column may be: “think we’re an excellent company; I’m a capable, intelligent, professional person; think our product is worth the investment.”

In the “feel” column may be: “feel taken care of; feel they’re in capable hands; feel satisfied and confident in their decision to buy; feel trust in our company and in me.”

When people are clear on their purpose and write it down in their own words, their focus improves. It’s also the necessary step to provide focus for the next four steps.

2. Be appropriate.

“Appropriate” is one of the best words in the English language. The dictionary definition is “proper, fit, suited to a given purpose.” In I Ching, (the Book of Changes), a source of oracular wisdom in Chinese philosophy for three thousand years, a most important concept is Li, which means “conduct”. An excerpt: “One’s purpose will be achieved if one behaves with decorum. Pleasant manners succeed even with irritable people.” To you, this means that every word uttered, every action performed must be suited to the purpose defined in Step #1. Logic prevails as people start examining their behavior. If your purpose is that this person do what you say, would you be rude to him to prove your point? Of course not. If your purpose is having a customer think your company is professional, would you answer her query as to the whereabouts of a salesperson, “Oh, she’s around here somewhere – we never know where she is.” Ridiculous. These comments defeat your purpose. They’re not suited to your given purpose, so they’re not appropriate.

But how do you stop these sentences before they come out of your mouth? This leads us to step 3.

3. Know your “hot buttons” and don’t get sucked in.

Certain words or phrases used by people push our buttons. Examples: “What are you gals doing over there anyway?” “It’s your fault.” “Let me speak to the man who knows something or who owns the company.” “You never listen to me.” “Why is your product so expensive?” Be aware of what your “hot buttons” are. Make a list; read it over; desensitize yourself, so the next time you hear one of them, you do not have to lash back with a defensive remark, or a “yeah, but.” Instead, you can…

4. Push the “pause button” to gain control.

Our “pause button” separates us from the animals. My cat, Linguini, is a stimulus-response machine. When he hears the sound of the electric can opener, his response is consistent and predictable. He will come running, and howl incessantly until the stimulus is removed – until the sound of the can opener stops. Linguini has no pause button. He can’t pause at the kitchen door and before he expends all that energy, check to see if it’s my tuna fish or his. He doesn’t know the difference. (I do. It’s about a buck thirty-three.) Some people you know act like stimulus-response machines. Their upsets are consistent and predictable. But your reaction doesn’t have to be. When you are aware of your hot buttons and one gets pushed, you can pause — very briefly — and choose the appropriate response.

One appropriate response — suited to your given purpose, and efficient at the same time — is described in the final step of dealing with difficult people.

5. Give the person 6-second empathy.

Using empathy is demonstrating with words that you understand what the person is saying and how they are feeling. It is a statement that is calming, comforting, positive, specific. A good one takes only six seconds. “I understand how frustrating it is not to get the information when you want it.” 6 seconds. “I understand how easy it is to get impatient with that machine.” 6 seconds. “It sounds like you’re very upset. I see you need my full cooperation.” 6 seconds.

A sincerely empathetic statement can defuse a hostile person. It also gives you time to think of the response you can make which will satisfy the person (i.e. achieve your purpose) while staying within the boundaries of your company’s policy.

These five steps have proven effective for thousands of people and will prove effective for you.

Mimi Donaldson empowers and assists people in realizing and achieving their full human potential. A renowned speaker, trainer and author, she’s been enlightening Fortune 500 companies for more than 20 years, energizing and motivating leaders in companies such as Johnson & Johnson, Hewlett Packard and Proctor & Gamble on stress reduction, time management, leadership and communication. A Masters graduate of Columbia University, she previously worked as a Human Resources Specialist for Northrop Aircraft, Rockwell International and Walt Disney. Mimi is the author of Necessary Roughness: New Rules for the Contact Sport of Life (2010). She is also the co-author of two books, Bless Your Stress: It Means You’re Still Alive! (2006) and Negotiating for Dummies (1996). Visit www.mimidonaldson.com or call 310.577.0229.